I don't have a good megatokyo picture for today. I'll try to find one later or something. Maybe tomorrow. I know, I hurt my poor journal's heart.

I kinda want to play Warcraft.

Just melt away back into the flow of things. Let my game take me away into its endless flow. Let my feelings fade away and all my stupid depressing thoughts get caught in that tide. I kinda want to play it. I kinda want to beat my head against the desk for even thinking about playing it. Well, I hate school.

Another night of lectures from my parents. Or rather my mother who loves to have the last word of everything. Can't she tell I really don't give a damn? I would just really like to go back upstairs and keep talking to Cait, thank you very much. Just leave me to sulk in my world, leave me be. Shove your school work up your ass. I'm sick of having to go through that prison every single day, surrounded by a bunch of morons who could care less if poor quiet Nik dropped dead at their feet. Who in a way, feel the same way I do about school. Not that I liked to be lumped into association with those douchebags, but christ. Then another two more years.. then Another four more unless I want my family to disown me.. Le sigh. Yep, I'll just blame my shit grades on my computer game. Yep, I'll just blame my shit grades on other people bothering me. Yep, I'll blame my shit grades on my parents and I wanted to "spite" them. Yep, I'll blame my shit grades on.. wait, whoa? Blame? Shut the hell up. I know I don't give a crap about my school work. And? Oh right, I need to go to college and be "successful". Why aren't the letters Y, P, A, H in the word [Successful]? Hm, I'll ponder that a bit longer. Maybe if I think hard enough my brain will explode and rid me of this crap. Fun dinner, eh?

God damnit.

I can never just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself, can I? Noooo, Nik has to keep babbling on about his stupid freaking feelings that don't matter. But no, he never shuts up. Where'd my conscience bugger off to? Maybe I could use a 'pep-talk'.  /sigh  I can never do anything right. And I had to say something after today, too. She waved to me in the morning while I was in French class, instantly nullifying my sleepy-ness from the Staying up till 1:00 in hopes that she'd come back online. I wanted to tackle her in the hallways when I saw her while changing classes. But I just hugged her and walked with her a bit. Cripes that made me so happy.

You're a weenie, that's why.

Oh, I was wondering where you got to. Anyways. Bleh. I can never just directly come out and say, 'Well, you know, when two people love each other very much..' Wait. What I meant to say was, 'I really freaking care about you and would do anything for you or to make you happy.' Yeah, that's what I'm saying in my mind. Then at that time she responds to me, 'Would you leave me alone if that made me happy?' In my mind I'm quiet. I don't answer her without hesitation. I want to be with her. But she asks again, 'Would you leave me alone if that made me happy?'

I would.

The moon is beautiful. Granted, I can't see it very well, unless I put on my glasses and gaze at it, and try to look at the entire sight, even with a bundle of trees in my way. It's really beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful.  /sigh  I feel so stupid and selfish and idiotic confessing my "feelings". Even though I had this lovely revelation of if I'm 'supposed' to have these thoughts of love and all this other gushy crap, they're not supposed to be smothered and kept hidden away! But not if it makes her upset.. or if this is a bad time for things like this which I feel it is.. God, I feel so stupid. So freaking stupid.

Well you are. Get with the program!

Yeah I know. No need to keep poking me in the head with the Stupid-stick you jerk. Easter vacation is right around the corner, and I know it's going to suck major bovine genitalia. Yay, I'm out of school! I can now lock myself up in a house in the middle of no where while people go off and have fun and all that other crap that you can't do! Isn't this wonderful?! Yeah.. I'm just pretty much.. brimming with joy about now. As much as I want to get away from stupid school.. at least I see Cait there. That's all I look forward to in my days anymore.

You're really pathetic, bud.

Yeah. Thanks for that. I'm not sure what I'll do this vacation. Struggle to keep from going crazy and killing myself? Sounds like fun! Not like I have much to do besides try to just keep from going insane and away from WoW.. if I can even manage that. I know I'm going to end up going on it sometime, somehow. I just know it. Weak willpower for the win? Bleh, I can keep myself from it. Just a game, just a waste of time, just a way to keep me from feeling my feelings. But do I want to keep feeling this way? Maybe if I just try to shut them off that'll be better. Maybe I'll stay alive if I don't have thoughts like this. But what's the point in living if all you live is a lie? If that you don't even know who you are deep down, except that you're hurting and you can't stop that? Yay life. It's such a beautiful thing. So very pretty. It makes me sick.

Yeah, me too!

I didn't ask you. I hate wishing. I hate being sorry for everything (Thanks Joanne.) I hate.. myself? Whoa, whoa. Stop the horse. How can I hate myself if I don't know who I am?

But you can hate certain things about yourself!

Oh right, yeah. Thanks again. Where's my [Turn power off] switch? I'm trying to find it, but I'm not sure where it is. I didn't read the instruction manual when I got this body.. Can someone give me a hand here?

Nope, you're boned.

Yay.

Maybe I should take a nap and go to bed early or something. There's still things to be done, there's still a tiny bit of a life left that you can at least try to enjoy it and make something of it. But what? I feel miserable. My garden feels so distant from me. In my mind I see all my pretty flowers wilting and dying under my tender touch, I try to save them, but I can't. I try to comfort them and offer my love to them but I can. My flowers don't listen to me, they don't love me. Poor things. Maybe deep down, we're like flowers?

You're such a sissy.

Yeah, I agree. But flowers are pretty, you have to admit. But there's nasty ones too. They grow like we do, they get sad like we do, they have feelings like we do. Well, maybe. I'll have to ask them their view on things, poor things. In my mind my little flower shop is closed and boarded up. It's grey (Grey? Gray?) an raining outside, it's not the pretty flower shop I kept dreaming about. Maybe all my dreams are melting. Melting into a rain cloud and I'm stuck in the middle of it, fueling the earth's rain with my tears. Darn it.

She shouldn't have to feel alone. I want to help her so badly, be with her so badly. Hug and hold her so badly. But can I? I feel like a broke something important again. And things were going well it seemed today.. /sigh  I love my life. Don't you?

Yep

I know you do. I wish I would've followed what I did in my dreams and throw my books into the hallway and tackle her, give her such a warm and loving hug that I've never even given before. She makes me so happy, I wish I had the same effect on her. I really wish I did. Maybe then if I could cheer her up, I could give her hugs all the time and she wouldn't have to feel sad anymore.. My poor Ping-chan. I care about her so much.

You're a fruitcake, you know that right?

Well, I do now that you told me! Thank you so much for filling me in! I feel complete now, I can die a happy panda. Are my feelings misplaced? Do they belong, should they belong? I feel like that do. I feel like I'm supposed to feel this way, even though the girl I care about so much doesn't feel the same. That's alright. As long as she's happy. As long as she's happy. As long as she's.. ..is she happy? Why can't I make her feel better?

You're a fallen angel, you've been kicked out of heaven and your wings are broke. What the crap do you expect? What, do you think that just because you trip into a hole and you fall inlove with a girl that she's automatically going to care about you in the same way and feel that way about you?

Well no.. but I mean..

There are no "buts". Grow up. Life is full of disappointments. Full of loves that are heart breakinging, full of so much pain that you can't make it go away. Yours isn't even that bad! Look at the people around you, look at this girl that you obsess over so much. Look at all that's happened to her and you're still fussing over your stupid feelings. Boo fucking hoo.

Fuck you. I -know- my feelings don't matter. Why do you think I care about that girl so much? What, does my own conscience think I want to get into her pants like every other freaking male on this planet? What, do you think I don't care about her and want to take any sadness she feels away? What, don't you think I love her more than anything?

You're just not in the right mindset, you dope. When are you gonna realize that in pretty much all cases your feelings won't mean shit. Not to say people don't care about you, but you gotta live with putting people first. Especially that girl of yours that you treasure so much. You know your own feelings aren't important, but you gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself, and focus on her. You gotta try to help her with everything. You hear me?

Yeah.. I just wish I could be happy a little too.. you know, actually be held by someone and told that I'm loved and that there's truth in those words. I wish I could have that. I wish I could be for her like that, just hold her and make all her problems fade away..

You're right, but sometimes you gotta accept that. You gotta realize that things aren't always gonna work out like the lovely little day dreams that play out in your mind. Things suck, and you can't help people if you're too worried about your own crap. Just love her how you want to love her. Love is what you make it, and if you love her, then that's what you need to do.

That's true.. but I wish I could do more.. I want to do so much more to help her..

Wishing won't get you anywhere, bud. If you're hoping for this, wishing for that, you're just going to be wishing that you weren't wishing for this crap but actually out there doing that. You can't get to where you want by firing yourself out of a damn cannon and skipping everything in between. You gotta start with little steps and you'll get to where you want to be. Don't pile your stupid crap on her or it'll just make things worse, you'll just end up hurting her, and that's definately not what you want to do.

Yeah.. you're right. Just little stuff. Are hugs considered little?

I wouldn't go jumping on her in the hallways like you are in that stupid mind of yours. I guess hugs are 'little'. Just ease down killer.

Thanks, you're right. Maybe I'm just a big stupid head.

Hey, that's what I'm here for. And you are a big stupid head, stupid head!

Right.

Christ. I really need to stop doing that. Having conversations in your head is a little weird.

You know you love me.

Shut up. But ugh, I just need to stop being such an idiot. Need to find a way to cool down my over heating emotions, whether that be games, music, countless hours of reading webcomics.. I need to discover who I am inside, I need to be the person I'm supposed to be. I'll help my friend in any way that I possibly can. Good lord I care about her so much. No more wishing for me. I think next will be trying to stop apologizing for everything and doubting myself..

Haha, no way! You're a gonner.

Thanks for the encouragement. Still need to do that stupid french project thingy.. should probably get around to doing that.

_{I've been quiet this whole time!}

Ooh my hopeful little a voice! Shut your mouth.

_{.. doh.}