Damnit.

So worried. Again. Blarg. Why can't I just be normal? I'm not sure. I'm not sure why. Its amazing how a wonderful day turns to crap in the evening. Not that I minded talking to Cait or anything.. when she was home for Dinner from Drama, it was really lovely.. When she gets home the second time, Dustin calls her.

Oh, this'll be good.

Yeah. He told her he got another job so no free time except weekends, which he's going to spend drunk. /twitch  How can he -do- this to her? What, is it too much to ask that someone just stops juggling around another person's heart? I'm so angry. Really angry. Cait doesn't deserve this, but it just happens anyway. In the past or not, it doesn't justify anything. I don't want her to be hurt/upset/angry..! Of couse, it doesn't matter what I want, I'm just pretty much being selfish. But she was angry, she said some things that she'd do just to basically spite him.. /sigh I don't want her to do anything like that, maybe I am just too clingy and protective, but I don't want her to feel this way over some freaking douche bag who obviously doesn't show that he cares about her emotions. Uttering a nonstop string of swear words for +five minutes doesn't seem to be work, either. He 'doesn't want to get back together with her because he's afraid he'll hurt her that way again.' Open your fucking eyes you douche bag. Don't you SEE what you're doing her? Don't you CARE??

My line snapped holding my feelings in place last night. What she said she'd do just to spite him (I guess it could be alot worser things.. but that isn't the point) made me.. really upset. God damnit, I care about her so much. I don't want anything to happen to her and things just continually do. I tried to tell her how much she meant to me and that I care so very much that I don't want to see her do things like that.. I tried to tell her that she really mattered to me, that no matter what I'd be there to care about her. I tried to tell her all that, but I feel I screwed up so very badly. Made the situation worse when I should've helped make it better. Maybe I am just too clingy and protective and caring and all that other crap that I think I am.. but she said I don't have to help her, that she can take care of herself.

But.. I don't want her to be alone. I want to help her.

I want to do everything for her, it just feels like I can't. Like my feelings aren't enough to deter things that I want to prevent. I want so much to make her feel better, somehow, anyway, I don't care what I have to do. Even if she told me to leave her alone and never talk to her again. But, a part of me does hope it's not the last one that will cheer her up.. I hope she's feeling better today, better than last night and better thank me screwing everything up. I care about her so much and I can't stop. Damnit. Something is wrong with me. Something is broken in my circuit board, the little chip that says [Feelings] isn't working right, maybe it's overheating. I feel like a spat out my feelings and thoughts at the worst possible time, and messed everything all up. Do I always have to do this? What's wrong with me?

Hopefully drama today will cheer her up since I seem to be unable to do that with my own crap.



[Nik sighs.]

I guess I am useless. Why is it that everything I do always takes a bad turn? My steering wheel on life is broken.

Time to go indulge myself in my drivers manual so I can study and get my permit.. go me.