Another year of Otakon has come and gone. Leaving me feeling different than ever before. I don't think this is an 'angst' post, or even a 'whiney' one, but then again, I could be wrong. So who knows.

As much as I love anime and video games, that wasn't the purpose of Otakon this year. But rather, it was to meet and be with Kaycie. Part of me hoped to everything that the meeting would not turn out like it did with my previous online-relationship with Joanne, resulting in no communication at all. The other part of me hoped that we would spark and be perfect, like the hopeless romantic inside me dreams about.

However, much to my joy, everything went perfectly. I met her, we connected, we're in love.

In love.

It seems so weird to even type out those words, and just thinking about them, and her makes my eyes water with tears. I.. I wished and wished. Dreamed and dreamed. Hoped and hoped that someone would come along in this world, find me, and love me for who I am. For the longest time I thought they didn't exist. That people would only pretend to love me. Or just lie to me. Or flat out break me. Until I met her. But meeting someone and "falling in love" with someone via online is different from falling in love with the real them. But in my heart I knew that something was different. Despite the nervousness of first seeing her (And dressed as Tifa) on Friday, I knew something was different. I knew something was different from all the fake "love" that has been flung at me in my short span of life. Something was different with this encounter with this girl. She reached out to me, even if it was simply by holding my hand for the first time we were together.

Looking back, the only change I would've made was not waving to her like an idiot to get her attention for the first time. But I suppose silly and stupid actions drive me on through life. After wandering around the dealer's room, we talked, we connected. And my nervousness finally subsided, in conjunction with my hands not shaking nearly as much.

She was beautiful.

No, not because she was dressed as Tifa, or made out to be some skimpy-clad girl or anything else like that. I know I have seen pictures of her before, but seeing her, being with her in person, holding her hand put my heart in a knot. She was so beautiful that even seeing any other girls made them pale in comparison to the girl holding my hand. I only wish I would've told her how gorgeous she looked on each day of the three we were together.

We connected more and more, and spent time together when possible. Within me, I was falling for her more than I thought was ever possible. This girl who had entered my life as such a bumpy time, who was now finally with me, even for the short time of just a three day long anime convention.

Everytime we sat together, everytime I held her hand, my heart thumped within my chest with the rush of my emotions. I was finally with her, this girl who was so dear to me. On friday we held hands. On saturday we held each other. On sunday we didn't want to be apart. Anything that was ever called or quoted as "love" in experiences, in novels and books, in anything, did not even compare to how I felt those days. Every second I was with and away from her I felt closer to her, and more in love with her.

But I wish the sunday time we spent together would never have ended. If I could control time I would've frozen it there, and allowed us the bliss of embracing each other and being together without worry of every being apart.
We held each other. I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to be as close to her as was possible. But it was cut short, and we finally had to part.

I was never good with words. But I remembered so long ago when she said that if we were together and we were in love, that we would tell each other when we were together.

She told me she loved me. It was the first time, that anyone had said they loved me, without saying it after I said it, and rephrasing it as "I love you too". She was the first one to ever tell me that she loves me.

I'm crying now. It's making me so upset that I can't keep holding her. That I can't hug her or hold her hand. I want to tear open my insides because of how upset I am that I won't be able to be with her for so long. Or what seems to be so long. I haven't cried in such a long time.

But at the same time, I remember all the times we spent together. Each and every moment I held her hand. And it makes me so happy. Happier than I have ever been in my entire life.

Isn't that a bitch. Being so upset and so happy. All at the same time. But I take comfort in the fact that I have her. That I, no, that we are in love.

In love..

What a feeling it is to be in love.

I love you, Kaycie.