(Copied from my myspace blog)

 

My hands are shaking. The caffeine that’s keeping me concious has been wearing off. I just made some tea to hopefully get some back in my system. My favorite kind (Called: Blackberry Bounce) is caffeine free. I was really distraught when I saw that.

 

I haven’t slept in a while, or well at all. The shadows under my eyes are getting darker, and I imagine a casual passer-by would assume I’m involved in less than desirable behavior. That’s not the case.

 

I can’t sleep. Some people would ask, "Can’t or won’t?", which I’d probably have to answer with a ’Both’. But I don’t necessarily want to have this be a total bitch rant about my "problems" and how everything is oh so sad. Maybe I’ll get into my junk later.

 

I wish I knew how people felt. That some divine force would imbue me with the power to see other people’s emotions. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so out of place as I do. It’s always bothered me. Is there a giant sign hovering above my head, both physically and virtually, saying: "I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON! BE GONE!"? I keep questioning that more and more lately. Everytime I try to reach out to new people, I’m always "shut down" as some would call it.

 

It really distresses me. I want to meet so many new people, get to know them, help them through problems they’re facing or will experience. But I’m so unsure how to go about all of this. I’ve kept trying to follow that "Golden Rule", treat other people the way you want to be treated, right? I try to reach out with compassion and friendship, and I get.. brushed away? I’m really confused.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Is it that I’m insane? That I care too much? I’m too nosey? I’m not attractive? I’m frightening? I wish someone would tell me. That, or the answer would fall out of the sky like a pile of bricks onto my head. But it seems that I’m still as clueless as ever.

 

Maybe it’s that I just appear to be a typical 18 year old boy, in seek of getting laid? I’ve heard of a lot of instances where guys use the veils of security and understanding to take advantage of girls. Is it that people are too annoyed at how people are to even acknowledge someone new? Just lumping them into a typical sterotype and then done?

 

How many people do we miss that way? How many people do we cut out of our lives because we don’t try to get to know them? But how can you get to know someone when they won’t let you? You can’t force someone to accept you, listen to you, understand you, or have feelings for you, or even love you. It just doesn’t work that way. How do you say to someone, "I’m not like everyone else. I want to be special to you." How do you do that?! I think what upsets me most is that I don’t have any answers.

 

Maybe it’s just that I’m not vocal enough? Or don’t fit their standards? When people do choose to reveal some of their feelings, I discover that they feel so similar to me! So similar I want just want to cry. They want what I want. They desire what I desire. Yet I’m trapped in this little glass prison. I can look at everything and experience nothing.

 

But what’s even odder? I see women and girls go on and on about how they want someone who understands them, who listens to them, who will be there for them, who will cheerish them and never let them go. Someone who can fulfill those tasks... Yet, they get involved with someone the complete opposite. Weaving them obvious lies in order to complete their own needs and desires, aka, sex. They care nothing for the girl’s feelings. For her emotions, her wellbeing. Why?! Why would you do that to yourselves? Why would you get involved with such a person when they’ll only make you feel even worse than you already do?

 

A friend of mine explained this slightly to me, saying that since she had really low self esteem (Even when being an attractive young woman,) that just simple comments and compliments would entice her and make her feel amazing. I imagine that sometimes people just want to feel needed no matter how obvious the lie is that is told to them. I’m so confused! But at the same time, I can understand very well.

 

When reading Jane Eyre in class, we got to one part where Jane says that her need for affection and someone is enough to have her break her own arms, or something along those lines. In which, I’m completely absorbed since the way I feel has finally been uttered! I’m so amazed! I almost want to cry sweet tears of joy for not being the only one to feel that way! Even if it was a woman in the 1800’s. Still, this serenity is shattered by Mrs. Piza as she says, "Can you even imagine how someone could feel this way? It’s absurd." to which the class echos with replies of, "Yeah, that’s fucking weird. That’s really creepy." (This is a Women in Lit class, 95% of the class being female). I was practically crushed. My brief moment of understanding was smited by Mrs. Piza and her lack of comprehension.

 

It’s kind of dawned on me why I can’t sleep. Why I don’t want to sleep. Whatever, same difference. I don’t mean to blame Tif, but since that time, everytime I lay on my bed--I’m alone. I’m overwhelmed by the sensation that it practically causes me physical pain. I close my eyes and long for arms to be wrapped around me, a head resting against my chest which rises and falls with each breath. The day-(night?)-dream is broken when I know that there isn’t anyone to hold me at night. I’m alone in my bed. Alone in my bed wishing for someone to hold onto me and never want to let me go. I know that if I wake up, I’ll still be alone.

I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel this way. But I haven’t been sleeping. My exhaustion is eventually going to catch up with me and I’ll eventually pass out. Probably sooner than later, actually. I’m out of caffeine pills. I’m not sure if I’ll even manage to get through another day of school.

 

I know, I know. This translates into Sane-people-speak to: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. But right now, I don’t really care. I’m pretty sick inside, and I’m not sure if I’m getting better. I’m sick of having to be patient and wait for someone to waltz into my life and change it around. See the person I actually am, what I can and am willing to give. Fall hopelessly in love with me. Want to cuddle with me at night until we both fall asleep. Love all my faults and imperfections. (Someone once told me that in a significant other, all their imperfections become perfections to you). Who wants to hold my hand when we’re together, that they’ll squeeze my hand back after I squeeze theirs. That we can touch our noses together and look into each other’s eyes, smiling. That we would talk about anything and everything, debate different topics and ideas, throw out different view points to discuss. That they’d whisper to me at night, morning, day, whenever, that they don’t ever want to be without me. That they need me.

 

I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. They’re burrowing under my skin and flowing in my blood. It’s coursing through me and causing me so much pain that I’m afraid I might burst.

 

But that’s all they are. Thoughts. Just hopeless pathetic day dreams of a love-sick young man. They have no anchor in reality, and in fact, probably don’t even belong there. But I know that each time I lay down to maybe sleep, I won’t have that sensation. That there isn’t a person around like that.

 

The best part? I’m 18 years old. Well, 19 in a few months. But that makes a big difference. Really. No sarcasm. I have, "my whole life ahead of me". It’s true! Who is to tell what the future might hold? I sure as hell don’t know. But each time someone says that to me, I see an endless span of days feeling exactly the way I do now. Alone. Unable to sleep. Afraid of never finding the one thing that I could ever want out of life.

 

I know about, "The Secret", so you don’t have to tell me. Negative attracts negative, huh? But how do you program your brain to completely change your thought processes and think of everything in a positive manner? How?! Someone tell me! I really would like to know! I understand that if you don’t focus on it working and think that it won’t work, it actually won’t work. But at the same time, I see it as a system to keep people thinking positively. You’re not very depressed and negative if you see positives from everything, so it doesn’t matter if your "Wants" take 20 years to get here, you’ll be thinking positively so it doesn’t matter. I don’t really know how to feel about this. In truth, I have alot of mixed feelings.

 

I imagine if someone bothers to read this, that they’ll see this as a cry for desperation. "Oh, he’s just lonely and depressed and wants someone to fill that gap in his life. It doesn’t matter who it is." Yes and no, really. I don’t want anyone. I just want that someone. But even besides that I’d still like to meet people, talk to people, understand people. But I can’t even do that. There’s some aura around me both in the real world and computer world that pushes people away from me. I don’t understand it at all. I try to be friendly, I try to be a nice and interactive person. Should I just give up? Maybe I’m not suited for all this life stuff. But I’d feel even worse if I just ’gave up’.

 

I guess I can’t very well go around with a sign around my neck that says, "I’m not like everyone else." Or maybe that’s it completely? That I am like everyone else, and everyone is just sick of everyone? I don’t know. Each possibility raises new questions, new debates, new arguements and no answers.

 

Should I change? Should I stop caring completely? Just go with a, "Fuck this shit" and move on? But I’m so unsure. How can I just throw out this "me" that I’ve been trying to understand?

 

In most of my relationships that I’ve had in my oh-so-long lifetime have been, bluntly, complete failures. I’ve always tried to give myself completely to the other person, to put them above myself with the only desire that they’d care about me and love me. It doesn’t matter the cost or price. But for most kids who are 16-18 in the whole dating scheme, commitment issues and having a "lasting and meaningful relationship" is seen as: fucking weird. Why in God’s name would you want to be 18 and tied down in such a serious relationship?! You have your whole life ahead of you! You should be out at parties getting drunk and fucking people you barely know! Any relationship you -do- have should just be a practicer for a serious one that might roll around later in your life!

 

I mean really, why would someone want to tie themselves down like that?! I’ve felt so out of place, ever since I started feeling this way. Which started, what, 8 years ago? 10? I don’t even remember fully. I’ve always been overwhelmed with the sensation that I was out of place. I was searching for something my peers couldn’t even begin to fathom or understand, or want to be apart of. And anyone who maybe did want similar things to me of my age groupings, was definately not interested in me. Why would someone be interested in a shorter, skinny, lonely boy? Why indeed?

 

I thought I actually found what I was looking for, a handful of times. Looking back, I realize that my younger years were wasted, stupid, and upsetting. But the cold realization that eventually blew up in my face with a giant message attached to it saying, "WHOOPS! You sure bought into that one! Haha!" was not very comforting. But they’re learning experiences, right? A good friend, who I consider my best friend and idolize told me something that helped me alot in my last disaster. He told me that even though the times with that person came to an end (and a bad end at that), that he wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything, and never wish that they hadn’t happened.

 

That really helped me get back on my feet, especially when someone who you believe loved you and you were so hopelessly in love with suddenly cuts you out of their life because they ’Lost interest in you’.

I wish that I wasn’t impatient, especially in a manner like this. I wish that I could calmly wait for that perfect person to walk by and everything to work out just like my own little fairy tale. All my day dreams seem so nice. I could actually see myself being happy for once. I don’t expect the woman of my dreams to solve all of life’s problems, but I can see myself having a purpose, and happiness which I’m lacking of both. I can see myself waking up with them in my arms and me in theirs, that I wouldn’t have to feel lonely again because I know that I’d have the security of them being there and loving me.

 

I made the mistake of assuming I had that security there. That the ’other’ felt the way I felt. After she decided to cut me out of her life completely, her reasons being that she couldn’t handle a distanced relationship, I could understand completely! I’m not feeling-less! It was killing me too, but I endured since I knew I’d do anything for her. Which she gave me her reason, I bought a $600 one-way plane ticket down there for that friday to be reassure her that I wasn’t going to disappear, that I’d be there for her. That I’d do anything for her no matter what.

 

It’s come to my attention that normal people don’t do those kinds of things. And I ended up canceling my ticket when her best friend who felt so bad for my distress, told me that she confided in her that she actually lost interest in me and just "didn’t love me anymore". I was crushed. I was ready to do everything and more, but that still wasn’t enough. I can’t fathom it. I can’t understand what’s so horrible with me that makes people just flee from me in all aspects.

 

But that’s where I am now. I’m stuck. I reach out to people who apparently don’t want to be reached out to. Whether they think I’m a typical sex driven guy, or not. I’m probably going to enroll myself into a counseling thing so I can maybe get some "help". So someone will at least listen to me, even if I have to throw money at them in order to do so. Well, maybe more than that. Maybe they’ll give me a solution? Maybe they’ll fix me and make me like a normal person? Maybe maybe maybe. There’s so many maybes these days.

 

Though, I’ve renewed my reading of Prozac Nation, recently. And I want to meet Elizabeth Wurtzel and give her a hug for writting that book. God damnit. In some aspects we’re so similar. And in others, so different. But I have to pace myself when I read it, though. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed when I read how she feels in conjunction with my own feelings that I just want to flop on the floor all discombobulated. So bit by bit, I’m reading the book, and it’s meaning alot to me. It really is amazing.

 

It’s kind of silly, though. I keep refreshing my Myspace page. My facebook page. Deep in my mind half-hoping that something amazing will happen. That the person I long for so badly will suddenly appear and send me a message or something. "You’re exactly what I’ve been searching for!" "Oh wow, me too!" "Awwwww!"

Yeah right. My head is always in the clouds. I’m just constantly reminded of how I don’t belong her. How I shouldn’t feel this way. How this and how that. I think I can see the future, but maybe that’s because I repeat the same routine? Sometimes I wish I could just cry everything away. But of course that isn’t very "manly". It depresses me so much the gender labels that are attached to everything.

 

Waaaaaaaaaah! Maybe I should go to sleep? I’d just sleep and sleep, stay asleep. Because when I’m sleeping I wouldn’t have to acknowledge that I have things to worry about. I could float in the clouds, be loved, do everything I’d ever want to do with my life. It seems too wonderful to last, which might be why we have to wake up after each time we dream. Maybe that’s why we don’t remember? Maybe it’s better that way...

 

But eventually my depressive thoughts recoil and reform into reassuring ones. "Things will get better!" "You don’t know what the future holds!" "Life is full of surprises! You need to look on the bright side!" I know, I know, I know, I keep trying to tell myself that. Maybe I’m just in too much of a sorry state to do this by myself. To cope with this weird do-hickey called ’Life’. It’s so interesting, though. And there’s so much to do... But sometimes, I just really don’t feel like doing anything.

 

Maybe I should just get away from the computer? Here is a website that’s based around social interaction of others, You know, the logo saying, "Myspace, the place for friends." But at the same time I can’t seem to make any new ones through any means. Maybe this is some action of a deity building up a dramatic effect for when that right person comes along and can show how everything else just sucks?

 

That’s nice, but part of me doesn’t really need to be shown that. Then again, maybe I do. I’m not that knowledgable, I haven’t experienced that much. What, 18 years? Holy shit! You don’t mess with that dude. That’s not really the case. Instead, I just have an imagination. God, what a terrible tool I’ve been given.

 

I don’t know, Jane. I think I’d break my arms with you so that I could have some affection as well. This world is so interesting. I want to explore it, and the people in it. I don’t want to let anything stop me or halt me!

Maybe I’ll do some school work and be productive tonight! That would be nice, it seems. Besides, I have to kill the hours that I’ll be awake with something after all.

 

 Maybe it’s true. Maybe I can’t rely on someone else to save me. But I could go for their assistance.

 

Yeah, I think I’d like that.